Are you relying on external validation as a ballet dancer?
Striking the balance with external validation
As dancers who are, at the core, performing artists, it can be so easy to shift over time from simply enjoying the applause or the sense of validation that comes from hearing “good job” to suddenly finding yourself living for it. And when I say “living for it”, you probably don’t need to me to tell you that I mean feeling inadequate without it.
But when we notice the feeling of hurt inside when someone else gets a nice comment and we don’t, it can also be easy to assume that the answer is to try to “not care what other people think”.
As a High-Performance Mindset Coach and professional ballet dancer myself, I have experienced and have witnessed the inner turmoil it can cause us when we rely on someone else’s validation to make us feel like we are good enough, but then to find just as much confusion and turmoil when we try to apply the advice of “just don’t care what other people think”.
Why? Because we DO care! There are just some fine lines to discuss in how we take in the opinions of others and where we ultimately find our sense of worth so that we can strike a healthy balance between appreciating external validation but also feeling ok without it constantly coming our way.
3 Ways relying on external validation is hurting you as a dancer
So let’s talk about the three ways that relying on external validation can hurt you as a dancer and what to do about it instead!
1 —
You rely on it to prove to yourself that you are allowed to have the view or opinion of yourself that you would like to have.
It is important to know that external validation is something that many of us use as a measure of success. You can still enjoy and benefit from external validation, but where it becomes dysfunctional is if you rely on it to prove to yourself that you are allowed to have the view or opinion of yourself that you would like to have. This can really hurt you because you are putting yourself in a disempowering position where the cause of your success is outside of yourself. Instead, put it in your power.
TIP: Ask yourself, how am I defining success and how specifically do I think I will know if I achieve it? Once you’re clear on this, THEN edit your measure of success to be something that is in your control. For example: instead of measuring success as having a certain part (which requires someone else’s approval), you can shift that to being able to technically do all the movements in the role you want and being able to dance with the quality that is on the level of the role you want.
Bonus TIP: Ask yourself, am I allowing myself to have my own opinion of my dancing or am I only choosing to see myself through the eyes of others?
2 —
External validation creates uncertainty and anxiety because you will train your mind to ask the questions “Is this what they want?”
External validation creates uncertainty and anxiety because you will train your mind to ask the questions, “is this what they want? Is this good enough for them?” instead of “what am I going to do and how am I going to choose to do it?”. Having that question mark in your head as you dance instead of a confident decision about how you want to execute the steps is going to really distract you and make you feel insecure or tempted to hold back.
TIP: Practice forming, trusting, and acting on your own opinion/best idea of how to execute a step “well”. The confidence you will feel when you start to do that can ironically end up attracting more positive attention.
3 —
Relying on external validation hurts us because it is an emotional roller coaster ride….
Relying on external validation hurts us because it is an emotional roller coaster ride in which we place our sense of self or emotional security in someone else’s hands.
TIP: It is totally ok to want and appreciate feedback. If you’re getting none at all, it is normal to also be bothered about that because feedback is effectively helpful, especially in this line of work where people’s opinions of us actually does matter. The key is that, if we get so attached to others having a very specific opinion of us and we are not satisfied with our own opinion of ourselves or trusting of what we know to be true about ourselves, we will put our wellbeing, sense of identity, ability to be to be healthy and grounded, and ultimately our ability to perform our best on the line.
TIP: Work on your sense of self. Do you like yourself? Do you like your own dancing? Do you feel whole and complete without certain accomplishments or acknowledgment? Ultimately, we have to get to the place mentally and emotionally where we can feel some disappointment if we want to be told we did a good job, but still walk away being proud of our own work and still feeling like we have worth as a person no matter what someone else’s behaviours towards you are. Instead of needing others to think or act a certain way for us to be ok, practice giving both yourself and others to have your own thoughts and interpretations.
Want more tips on how to release an unhealthy reliance on external validation?
Watch this video I made on the topic and browse through the rest of the videos I have on The Confident Dancer Youtube Channel to find more practical and encouraging guidance on how to flourish in your performance and mental health as a ballet dancer!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVgwjmDieP0&t=5s
Kirsten Kemp
High-Performance Mindset Coach for Ballet Dancers
Speaker & Creator of The Confident Dancer Youtube Channel
